Monday, 22 February 2016

Guest Post: How To Raise A Human

Hi! Ava here. Bet you didn't expect to hear from me so soon, eh?

I know it's early days, but if you want to train your human, it's best to start early. I heard that this was Melon's first week on the job, so I thought I should try to start on the right paw.

And I think I did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself. Let me share what I did:

  • Show, don't tell: It's best to show your human from the beginning what puppies are like. Don't make the mistake of acting like an adult dog so that all the lazy human has to do is try to 'enforce some boundaries' and do some 'training' when she feels like it. Remember: you are a puppy, so show her what that means. This is how you do it:

  • Keep your human well exercised: Humans will get lazy and unfit if you don't keep them occupied. Go over to every corner you can reach, even if it looks boring. Trust me, the human will follow, not knowing there's nothing there. 

They will follow. They just can't resist.

Pick up random objects to pique her interest. She will like the objects so much she will put them away for collection. (Just between you and me, I think my humans are hoarders.) When she goes to put an artefact away, pee on the floor. Without a doubt, this will prompt her to take you outside. With all this exercise, the human won't have much time to get into mischief, or do silly things like sit down in front of the television or eat a whole meal in one go.

  • Don't forget mental exercise: If you are tired, go "flump" onto the fuzzy stairs and refuse to respond to anything. Eventually the human will realise you are sleepy and take you to your bed. Don't worry if it takes a few repetitions for the human to work it out - it is normal for humans to be kind of slow. The guessing is good for them. Remember: mental exercise is as important as physical exercise. Some dogs say that if you don't keep the human's brain working, it will stop.

This would be a good time to growl
  • Keep your human's interest: We all know that things that wave or move are unacceptable. When you chase and pounce on them, make sure you use your voice too, even if your growls and barks are indistinguishable from a squeaky toy. This seems to keep the humans entertained, and it is important to keep training fun, or the human won't pay attention. 

  • Lastly, chew on your human's socks. I know this seems pointless and kind of gross, but it teaches human an important lesson: that not everything that is cute is harmless. They need to learn that some things, or people, or jobs, that seem good may have downsides too. I know it's yet another thing to fit into your busy schedule, but it's for the human's benefit in the long term. 
There are hard parts of any job.

As you can see, humans are super high-maintenance! But I learned a lot this week, and I had fun too. It's important to take your responsibility seriously, but humans are kind of sweet, so it's usually worth it.

Good luck training your own humans!
I'm off to take a nap...
xo Ava

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